thinking on an empty stomach thouands of feet in the air

I think I love you, but I be damned if I say the words out loud. I’ve loved before, but this is different. Thousands of feet in the air and the only thing on my mind is figuring out when I'll see you. Will you remember me. And if your kisses will taste the same.Just saying your name tightens my chest and fills my stomach up with gases that makes me feel lightheaded, queasy, and confused. You make me nervous, and I love you for that.

I think I love you, but I be damned if I say it out loud. I’ve loved before but this is different. I catch myself thinking about you when I should be focused on driving, when I should be focused on painting landscapes, when I should be focused on living. I catch myself falling and I be damned if I get hurt this time. I know this is different, it has to be, but is this even real?

I’ve loved before. I had what I thought was love but nine years later, six months later, three days later the assumption that, that as love just can't be true. It was lust, it was like, it was unforgivable but it was not love, or was it.

I’monly twenty so surely this cent be love. This can't be my happily ever after. This can't be real. Surely thid is just some cruel joke, some cruel test, some act of God that ends in me numbing the pain again with a cascade of naked men, with a harem of women, with me closing myself off from the world again.

This is just another fling and nothing more.

I think I’m in love,

but damn…