dizzy

i'm ready to leave. it was nice while it lasted, but its time to move on. this were great while they lasted, but i think i need to get the hell out of dodge and back to my roots.

i get dizzy. just laying in bed and thinking about it. why does it bother me so much. i don't feel loved. i swear if i wasn't such a pussy i'd slit my wrists. maybe i'm suicidal. i kill myself atleast once a week. its weird. i don't wanna die. i'm not ready to die. life is good. but i swear, i kill myself at least once a week.

i'm not a sad person. i'm really not. but this is where i come to be sad. there's so much shit i need to say. but i never will. fuck it. i'm just mad. life is good, i'm just angry on the inside. i'm starting to think that mexicans aren't good for me. maybe the Salvadorian will come to my rescue.

coming undone

you walk up to me and you say something to me, but i don't hear a word. your lips are moving but the words don't come out. i look around and i'm in the middle of a room full of people i don't recognize and i don't know. where am i wonder, but i never ask.

my eyes are blurry and i check to see if my glasses are still on my face. nope, they're gone, but i remember i left them at home. two brand new contacts are glued to my eyes, yet i can't make out your face anymore. how many drinks did i have? one, maybe two. to be so big i'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. drinking was never my vice.

i slowly feel my way to an empty bedroom up two flights of stairs and it only cost me two new bruises on my knees, but i don't mind. the warm silk sheets more than make up for the pain. i hear someone shout your name in the distance and i hear mine too. what did he say about me, and what did u just volunteer me to do.

your voice grows louder and louder and its finally in my ear whispering sweet nothings to me as you slowly unzip my pants and throw them on the floor. as soon as they hit the ground you laugh. happy birthday, i'm glad you like your gift. he truly is yours, i hear your friend say in broken english, No, no estoy i shout back.

you lift my head up and place it on your waist, i'm coming undone baby. i'm coming undone.

still in love with my ex

i thought i was over him. everything was good. i was focused. i had focus, i had clarity. and now everything is foggy again. all those feelings are back, and all it took was a chance meeting at one in the morning to make this happen. why'd i have to go for a walk this late. he's right. i'm crazy. this is a dangerous neighborhood to be walking around in this late. but why was he walking. why did we have to meet tonight of all nights.

seven months ago i knew he was the one.

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

love.

or

the death of a legend.

i don't know the point of this blog. its almost six in the morning and i can see the sun rising. or i can see the sky getting brighter. but either way this post is pointless like a lot of the other things i end up doing. like how i met a guy. well another guy since the other one got arrested two days ago. and we've been texting. and he asks me whether i would be open for a relationship. this caught me off guard, because o one ever wants to wife me up after a 2 days of conversations. i'm usually the guy they call for a good time, ot the guy they get on one knee and propose to.i mean, i'm no x. i'm just a j. but he asks me, and i say something along the line of "if i find a guy and we click and i enjoy spending time with him then i'd definitely be open to a relationship, but we're nowhere near that point because we've only been talking for two days."

and i thought that would be the end of it, but no. he dropped a bomb on me. apparently me and him originally had a quick fling or were talking or was doing something back in October of 2010. but i don't remember any of this. October was when i met the love of my life Alex, so I sat there trying to place this guy, but i couldn't. I'm terrible at names, but I never forget a face. so either this guy is making up stuff, has me confused with some other guy, or I have a new stalker. and if thats the case then i'm glad I'mmoving because so far I've had the worst luck with guys in this apartment.

continuum

someone told me i should continue blogging. i don't know if i should, but maybe i will. i'm ready for a change, but i think i'm just running from the same problems that led me to the big city of Los Angeles.

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i get restless. i'm restless now. i'm chasing this high that i know i'll never attain. i had a really great moment a few weeks back. it was nice. it was really nice. i could've lived in that moment forever. but it was that, just a moment. no pressure, everything was nice. everything was cool. and then it was over. i want that moment back.

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i feel like i'm twelve again. i feel lost. everything is in a constant flux. if i didn't have so much to live for i'd probably slit my throat. i think i'm going back to my old ways of pushing people away. i mean if people you feel loike you're close to keep having a problem with you, then obviously its me. but i really don't know what the problem is. i don't see what i'm doing. sometimes i say things that i know i shouldn't say but i say them anyway. but i only do that with one person. maybe i'm just jealous that i can never find a real connection with the person i want.

i don't think i'll continue this. i'd rather draw and get my aggressions out that way. blogging makes me sad. i feel depressed now.