things we never say

I told him that I wasn't at my place. That I was around town searching for something new. The Koreatown lifestyle was good to me for a year--it gave me him--but my year was up and maybe it was time to get the hell out of Dodge. He recommended a place down the street from his, before bombarding me with a bunch of whys. Seven of them I counted, but they fell on deaf ears after the first two.

Why couldn't he just say the words I so desperately wanted him to say? Why couldn't he just say them? Why couldn't I just say them for him? Why couldn't I just open my mouth and tell him how I felt? Why couldn't I say it? Why couldn't he?

The things we never say are always more important than the things we do. We live in the awkward silences and the broken pauses between words hoping the other says what we could never say, but by the end of the conversation those hopes and wishes dissipitate into the night, just waiting for another chance to be heard.

Maybe I should stay, whats one more day.

sleepless life

The pain subsides, I turn over and its you again. Laying there staring at me, staring at you, staring at me. You mumble something in your deep, husky voice. A voice I've come to love and detest. I nod in response, not hearing a word you say, because I'm a thousand feet in the air while you're still trapped in my bed.

With the back of your hand you rub the side of my face and I come falling back to earth. You pull at my freshly shaved beard and your mouth begins to move. I listen this time and you deliver your compliments. You're beautiful baby boy, and I smile.

I’m in love with someone else.

I roll out of bed and stare at the moon. Its beautiful tonight. So big, so white and so inviting. I make the same wish I wish every night, a wish that has yet to come true. But I wish it anyway, and with my youthful wishing I wonder if he's staring at the moon thinking of me too. I wish I could live on the dark side of the moon. So peaceful, so quiet, so unlike the voices that trouble my mind. Screaming at me. Screaming at me for continuing this Faust. For continuously allowing this you back in my bed, back in my life, back--when nothing good will come from this.

Its so hard to say goodbye, but even harder to say no. I look over at the clock, but there's nothing. No red, no numbers, no light. I put on the closest pair of boxers and make my way to the bathroom. I throw cold water on my face and ask myself the same questions I asked every other time. WHY?

I’m in love with a man, but its not you.

I come back to you and you motion for me to come back to bed, round four, you say, but I stand there, silent, checking the time on my imaginary watch that sits upon my brown wrist with the sharpied words I wrote the day before-SAY NO-thanks a lot josuf, shit didn’t work.

You stare at me, while I stare back at you, staring at me, and then you finally rise, like a zombie in the night. You walk past me and I close my eyes hoping you'll make your grand exit, but you don't. I feel your warm hands as you place them around my waist and pull me into your warm, loving embrace. Your member fits perfectly along the crest of my ass, and your mouth begins its journey across my neck.

I’m weak. I'm clark kent and I'm weak. Your kisses are like kryptonite and no matter how much I say no, you don't stop, and with every kryptonite drop I slowly lose my fight. You don't stop, and you know the clock is counting down before I'm yours again.

three

two

one

sorry josuf, i really tried.

You throw me on the bed and continue bombing my body with your kryptonite tongue, you grab a rubber, place it on your monster, and then its too late for me to quit. I'm in ectasy. Round four. J-zero You-four. I'm in love with someone else, but for tonight you have my focus, you have my mind, you have my body, and the devil has my soul.

We twist, we turn, we laugh, we moan, and then it happens. Your body convulses and mine follows suit. Its over. I lost, and its over. My mind wanders back to the moon. I get up, put on some clothes and you ask me where I’m going. I say out, you say why, I say I need to think, you say why, I say cause, you say why, I say cause, u say why, I say cause, u say cause, I say why! and you say come back to bed baby, I love the way your body feels.

I think I'm in love with a guy. I think he’s in like with me. I don’t speak on this. He never says the words. I assume. He ignores the elephant. When will this all end and will WE ever begin?

thinking on an empty stomach thouands of feet in the air

I think I love you, but I be damned if I say the words out loud. I’ve loved before, but this is different. Thousands of feet in the air and the only thing on my mind is figuring out when I'll see you. Will you remember me. And if your kisses will taste the same.Just saying your name tightens my chest and fills my stomach up with gases that makes me feel lightheaded, queasy, and confused. You make me nervous, and I love you for that.

I think I love you, but I be damned if I say it out loud. I’ve loved before but this is different. I catch myself thinking about you when I should be focused on driving, when I should be focused on painting landscapes, when I should be focused on living. I catch myself falling and I be damned if I get hurt this time. I know this is different, it has to be, but is this even real?

I’ve loved before. I had what I thought was love but nine years later, six months later, three days later the assumption that, that as love just can't be true. It was lust, it was like, it was unforgivable but it was not love, or was it.

I’monly twenty so surely this cent be love. This can't be my happily ever after. This can't be real. Surely thid is just some cruel joke, some cruel test, some act of God that ends in me numbing the pain again with a cascade of naked men, with a harem of women, with me closing myself off from the world again.

This is just another fling and nothing more.

I think I’m in love,

but damn…

somethin new

so this was suppose to be just writings i do, but i think it will end up being a look back into all the guys from the past 2 years of my life. some serious shit is happening right now so maybe this will help me figure out where im going.

the one where the hero quesions existance

LIFE

Am I alive, I began asking myself as soon as I caught my breath, or was I dead again. The rain had started back, the pain had returned, but the blood had stopped pouring from the crevices of my face. Am I alive or have I died again I asked. But this time there was no answer. There was no one there to snap me back to reality if this was indeed another trick my imagination was playing on me. I pinched myself to see if I could feel pain. Ouch! I screamed, as a sharp pain rose through my nervous system and headed straight to my brain and down I went once again.

Maybe the kid did more damage to me than I thought. Maybe I should go to the hospital. Maybe I have a concussion. Maybe I have a brain contusion. Maybe I'm already dead. Or maybe I'm just over reacting because I didn't take my medicine today. Did I take my medicine? Woke up, brushed teeth, ate eggs, drunk milk, drunk milk with pills, choked on pill, swallowed more milk. Check, check, check check check.

So if I took my medicine today so why am I freaking out. Why dont my legs work anymore. Why am I head first on the bed of my truck in apuddle of water. Maybe I am dead. Maybe the kid killed me. Maybe dreads killed me. Just maybe.

DEATH

Would death be so bad for a man like me. I walk alone on a daily basis. Pushing and shoving everyone within arm's reach away. Building up walls from the pleasantries of strangers and the smiles of close associates. Planting bombs made of lies in every conversation I have, so no one ever knows who I really am. If they knew me they wouldn't like me one bit. I don't even know if I like myself right now.

I deserved the punch, I deserved the black eye, I deserve everything the kid did to me. I should apologize to him, I should drive to his house and make sure he made it home safe. I should and I would, if only my damn legs worked.

FUCK!

why does God hate me so much.