my only problem is that if it came down to me or him, you'd choose him without even thinking about it. we have history. i was here before him, and i'm gonna be here after him. but none of that matters, because if we were both drowning and you had a life saver, i wouldn't get it. i understand it. but i don't like it.
i guess my real problem isn't with you. its not with him. its with no one but myself. i dont have family. i'm out here in this big city and the silence is deafening. i'm not close to anyone. i won't let myself get close. i lie. i hold back, i run. i do whatever it takes to make sure they never figure me out.
i'm black. i'm gay. and i'm so fuckin confused. there's so much shit i wanna just let out and say, but i can't. i have no one who'll sit and listen. maybe i'll shoot up again. maybe i'll go on another three day bender so i can wake up and not know where the fuck i am. who i'm inside. or how i'm getting home. why does it matter.
and why am i such a needy bitch.
i like men. i do. i love them. i love treating a masculine dude like a bitch. having him scream out my name. taking his power and having him submit to me. and i love the constant power struggle when he wants me to submit to him. those are the relationships that last longest for me. i would love to submit, but i can't. i won't let myself.
i'm confused. i love men, but there's always that one chick that gets me goin. that confuses me. just when i believe that this homosexual lifestyle is what i want, she always shows up like a siryn in the middle of the ocean. making me second guess myself. making me wonder, making me think.
i'm a walking contradiction. and you're the closest thing i have to family.
