today i thought my (for lack of a better word) best friend had killed himself. maybe i convinced myself of this, but all the signs were there, and i jumped to several conclusions. today would also be the day when my cellphone would be out of service. no calls in. no calls out.
i pretty much felt helpless. i don't like to feel that way. i'm all the way in georgia. he's all the way in cali killing himself, and there's nothing i can do about it. i can't even receive his "goodbye, im killing myself" call because my phone is currently out of service. so i do the next best thing. i get online.
facebook. deleted.
tumblr, goodbye message.
twitter, goodbye message.
voicemail(mine), one new message.
so of course i assume its him saying goodbye, and i continue to stress. stressing is not good for me. i have a heart condition. i should not stress. but i was. fortunately for me, sometime after midnight i get a message from him. he's not dead. he's just taking a break from the internet, and i guess everyone else too. because he needs to get better. but he' promises to talk to me in a few days.
CRISIS AVERTED.
not in the slightest. while i'm glad he messaged me i don't plan on hearing from him again. he's not one for keeping his promises to me. so if i hear from him again, i'd be shocked, but i don't think i will. so in my head, he's officially dead, so when i do find out he died i wont be upset. i won't feel the pain. i can be numb, and continue on with my life.
i don't deal with death well. this is how i cope.
i love him, but i had a dream a long time ago that ended with him killing himself. i've talked to him about it, and i told him i believe he's gonna commit suicide one day. maybe this is his breaking point. maybe its not. i don't know. i don't know anything about him. i do know he needs to stop running away from everything and deal with it.
but either way, i still love him. i just wish it was enough.
Oh.
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