What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

love.

or

the death of a legend.

i don't know the point of this blog. its almost six in the morning and i can see the sun rising. or i can see the sky getting brighter. but either way this post is pointless like a lot of the other things i end up doing. like how i met a guy. well another guy since the other one got arrested two days ago. and we've been texting. and he asks me whether i would be open for a relationship. this caught me off guard, because o one ever wants to wife me up after a 2 days of conversations. i'm usually the guy they call for a good time, ot the guy they get on one knee and propose to.i mean, i'm no x. i'm just a j. but he asks me, and i say something along the line of "if i find a guy and we click and i enjoy spending time with him then i'd definitely be open to a relationship, but we're nowhere near that point because we've only been talking for two days."

and i thought that would be the end of it, but no. he dropped a bomb on me. apparently me and him originally had a quick fling or were talking or was doing something back in October of 2010. but i don't remember any of this. October was when i met the love of my life Alex, so I sat there trying to place this guy, but i couldn't. I'm terrible at names, but I never forget a face. so either this guy is making up stuff, has me confused with some other guy, or I have a new stalker. and if thats the case then i'm glad I'mmoving because so far I've had the worst luck with guys in this apartment.

continuum

someone told me i should continue blogging. i don't know if i should, but maybe i will. i'm ready for a change, but i think i'm just running from the same problems that led me to the big city of Los Angeles.

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i get restless. i'm restless now. i'm chasing this high that i know i'll never attain. i had a really great moment a few weeks back. it was nice. it was really nice. i could've lived in that moment forever. but it was that, just a moment. no pressure, everything was nice. everything was cool. and then it was over. i want that moment back.

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i feel like i'm twelve again. i feel lost. everything is in a constant flux. if i didn't have so much to live for i'd probably slit my throat. i think i'm going back to my old ways of pushing people away. i mean if people you feel loike you're close to keep having a problem with you, then obviously its me. but i really don't know what the problem is. i don't see what i'm doing. sometimes i say things that i know i shouldn't say but i say them anyway. but i only do that with one person. maybe i'm just jealous that i can never find a real connection with the person i want.

i don't think i'll continue this. i'd rather draw and get my aggressions out that way. blogging makes me sad. i feel depressed now.

i hate grids

i hate grids. i really fucking do. who needs everything to be ordered. everything to have a spot. to align. to reinforce one another to be stronger, i hate it. i hate the fact that in order to BREAK the grid, i have to use to grid and i have to atleast hint to the grid. i don't like it. not one bit. give me an axial any day. then i can show you who i am. then i can show you what greatness is. then i can show you ME. but fuck the grid. fuck it and everything it stands for.

terrible person i am not

i'm done calling myself a terrible person. i'm not a terrible person. i still believe i'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet, and i want nothing but the best for those i care for, and if i can help them in any way i would. most would look at me and call me a liar for that statement. most people don't know me. they would say i'm aggressive. say i'm angry. call me mean. but they fail to see, but mostly understand who i am. none of these people have ever seen me angry. they've seen me frustrated, irked, or maybe a little upset. but we all have our moments. just because i call you a stupid bitch, doesn't mean i don't love you. it actually means i do care. because sometime you need to hear this. you need to be called out on your bullshit, and able to deal with it. i'm not a terrible person, i'm not judgemental, i'm just me. and i want all of you to succeed. i grew up in a certain place. in a certain time. and witnessed certain things, that the majority of my friends will never understand, and even more of them will never know about. i am the way i am because of the things i went through and the things i observed. i'm just here trying my hardest to change my surroundings, and one of these days i'm going to win.

breaking.point

i'm pretty sure i'm crazy, and if i'm not crazy then i;m at the point where i'm going crazy. or maybe i'm not. who knows. i don't. and this would probably be better if i just posted the video, but i won't, because i'm living a closeted lie, but not really cause i still enjoy the vagina, but what i really want is a man to throw me against a wall every now and again. but either or, i think i'm crazy. and i can't find my pills, which is weird because all i've been doing is cleaning all day, which means i've probably thrown them in the trash, but i need to find them, because it took me a week to get them,and if i don't take them then my heart will probably explode like that yoshi kid, that x guy, was fuckin all raw and shit so he'll probably die of aids cause as we all know only gay men have aids which is why we cant give blood but thats another soap box for another day, like the fact that the revolution in egypt was televised, even though the revelution is not suppose to be televised. but yeah, as you can see my mind isn't really focused and i keep screaming out fuck you alex, because yea. i don't think i was made for sex. i don't think i was made for relationships. i just think i was made, and i was on this awesome path, and this guy came along, felt me up and completely changed the directory of my future and left me a shell of who i should be and yea. i need a macbook, and iturn twenty-one in a day or two, and i dont drink. i hate when my friends drink, and alcohol is a bitch. sometimes ijust wish that kid i thought was my kid was really mine. idk. i just need something more from life then what i have. fuck you alex. we wouldve been great. and fuck you too josuf, just because.

i promise you i'm not crazy. this is just my breaking point. which sounds really dramatic and sad,but trust me if you know me, i have my little "woe is me" moments, because sometimes you have to let it all out.

i confess

i don't think i can commit. i don't think i'll ever be able to fully give all of myself to someone again. i just don't think i'm capable, of giving in and becoming one with another person. i just have a habit of slowly destroying the relationship or pushing away before it ever gets serious. it never fails, i meet a guy, we have the greatest sex i've ever had, and we repeat this for a few weeks. i start catching feelings, i hope it turns into more, and when we reach a happy medium and things become less about to sex and more about getting to know one another i start pushing away. i try to find someone new to bring into the equation. and the cycle repeats itself. i don't think i'm the marrying type. and i'd be a terrible boyfriend. which is funny, because all i want is to submit.

you think you know and then you don't. you give and give and give and then they disappear. it doesn't matter though, because you were never really there. you were never really his. and he was never really yours. you weren't faithful. he wasn't faithful. you were both just a ghost.