stranger

i'm in a really weird place right now. a really weird place. and probably the hardest part about it all is the fact that i have no one i can talk to about it.

i've never been a very talkative guy. i've always been a very reserved person. and i think most of that comes from my experiences as a child. i usually sit back and watch others interact and see how they handle situations. its helped me a lot, but i guess the one draw back is once i form an opinion of someone, its hard for them to change that opinion.

another thing is i have abandonment issues. i acknowledge my problems, i'm open about them, but i guess i haven't figured out how to cope with them per se. i think this is why i don't open myself up to people, i refuse to allow myself to get close to someone out of fear that one day they will leave me. i think this is also why my biggest fear in life is death. you don't come back from that.

i'm in a really weird place right now. maybe i'll finish telling my story another day.

invincible

we all think we're invincible, until we get shot. then it hits us. it LITERALLY hits us. we're not invincible. and we slowly bleed out.

realization

i just realized something.he's still going to be there when i get back. because what we have is real. and no mount of distance or time can replace what we had.

breaking the cycle

today i thought my (for lack of a better word) best friend had killed himself. maybe i convinced myself of this, but all the signs were there, and i jumped to several conclusions. today would also be the day when my cellphone would be out of service. no calls in. no calls out.

i pretty much felt helpless. i don't like to feel that way. i'm all the way in georgia. he's all the way in cali killing himself, and there's nothing i can do about it. i can't even receive his "goodbye, im killing myself" call because my phone is currently out of service. so i do the next best thing. i get online.

facebook. deleted.
tumblr, goodbye message.
twitter, goodbye message.
voicemail(mine), one new message.

so of course i assume its him saying goodbye, and i continue to stress. stressing is not good for me. i have a heart condition. i should not stress. but i was. fortunately for me, sometime after midnight i get a message from him. he's not dead. he's just taking a break from the internet, and i guess everyone else too. because he needs to get better. but he' promises to talk to me in a few days.

CRISIS AVERTED.

not in the slightest. while i'm glad he messaged me i don't plan on hearing from him again. he's not one for keeping his promises to me. so if i hear from him again, i'd be shocked, but i don't think i will. so in my head, he's officially dead, so when i do find out he died i wont be upset. i won't feel the pain. i can be numb, and continue on with my life.

i don't deal with death well. this is how i cope.

i love him, but i had a dream a long time ago that ended with him killing himself. i've talked to him about it, and i told him i believe he's gonna commit suicide one day. maybe this is his breaking point. maybe its not. i don't know. i don't know anything about him. i do know he needs to stop running away from everything and deal with it.

but either way, i still love him. i just wish it was enough.

question

why do all my best friend's have suicidal tendencies?

i haven't figured it out yet, but that's the common thread. and i don't think i'm the best person to be friends with while having suicidal tendencies. because after everything i went through with the first one (at last count there were nine suicide attempts, none of them took) i'm kind of numb to the "situation".

if anything i'll probably end of saying the wrong thing, and telling you if life sucks so much then just kill yourself. if my love isn't enough to deter you from leaving everything, including me, then go fuck yourself and die. if it takes, it takes. but most of the time they don't.

i don't know what i would do if one actually did decide to commit suicide. if you're catholic, then you automatically end up in purgatory for eternity, from my understanding. but i'm not catholic, no matter how much i wish i was, and i'm not sure if i believe in organized religion. i do believe in God, but i have a lot of questions about some things, but i'll save that for another post.

if one of them decided to actually end their life, the one thing i do know is i won't be at their funeral. thats the one thing i do know. i don't know if i'd be mad though. i probably would though. mainly because i have an ego that rivals Kanye's. i'd be more upset that they killed themself and left me here alone. why isn't my love enough? does my opinion not count? did you even think to tell me you were doing this?

do you see what i did there? i made there suicide about me. EGO, but still no one seems to be able to answer my question.

WHY DO ALL MY BEST FRIEND'S HAVE SUICIDAL TENDENCIES?

i've got confetti in my eyes

and its blinding me.

i've been back in georgia for almost two weeks, and as each day ends the chances of me ever leaving slowly evaporate. when i left cali for the summer i had every intention of going back, but now i don't know. i gave away everything i owned. everything. the only things i own are in the two suitcases i brought back with me. who would have thought i could pack up two years of my life into two suitcases.

i don't know what i'm doing. i really just wanna go walking and never look back.

twins

life is complicated. and i don't think i do anything to make it any easier. maybe its just the way my mind works. maybe i need a new brain, because the one i got is...different. i don't know how to explain it, but it is.

i think i over complicate my life. and it seems the same problems i was dealing with three years ago are the same ones i'm dealing with today. the only difference is i'm a 100 pounds lighter and i'm not as suicidal.

i was reading through an old blog i had long forgot about. some random guy on the internet found it and was concerned about how i ended it abruptly. so he contacted me through an email address from that blog to check up on me. it surprised me, mainly because i forgot about most of my adventures in Inglewood but after sending me a link to that blog i rediscovered everything. and its funny, because i don't recognize that person at all.

i recognize the problems, but that person isn't me. it was like finding out that the twin you thought you had, is actually you looking in a mirror.